Rainbow after the Storm

For a while now I have been quite depressed. About a year ago we lost our business because of the economy among other things, and we kept quite a few bills. Paying those bills has been a struggle as well as the thought that I'm not getting any younger, my kids are getting bigger and consequently more expensive and we don't have ANY security, was just eating me up inside and when one thing goes wrong, there seems to have a snowball effect. My husband started working for my parents, I work for my parents, I live in the manager's house (my parent's) and the only "friends" I hung out with were ... my parents. That in and of itself was not an "ideal" scenario, at...all. I was my husband's boss and my parents were my bosses (is this right?) and I was in between all of them. Can you say...STRESSFUL?

With that comes fights and disagreements. Frustration and a feelings of hopelessness. I seemed to get sick all the time, which added to my frustration. I was always angry...with my husband, with myself and worst of all...with my kids. For a year I have been struggling to "feel" better, to fix things, to feel like I had control or at least, was moving in the right direction, without success. I felt like digging my head on the dirt and staying there...permanently if possible, but when you have kids, and you love them, you don't have that luxury. You get up...you get out and you work. The only things that kept me going were my kids and a "hope" of peace in the afterlife, that seemed tooo far away to make a noticeable difference.

I'm a Christian. I go to church every Sunday. I pay my tithing. I try to help others. I try to support my husband, but most of the time I have to push him. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am trying my hardest. Do you know how hard it is to have to push someone when you, yourself, have to be dragged out of bed? It is not an easy feat. I kept trying and pushing and longing for relief. I'm usually the tough, quiet type when it comes to my problems, besides the fact that I don't have anyone I can talk to, who wouldn't add to my problems anyways.

I realize that adversities are a part of life, an opportunity to grow and that we are not tested above our capacity. I understand that. But when you are in the middle of one of those phases it is hard to keep your sight on the big picture, isn't it?! It seems like a dark cloud simply obscures your thoughts. Besides the fact that we are creatures who forget soooooo easily. We have to be constantly reminded. I know I do.

When I thought I could not handle it anymore, when I thought divorce was imminent (a terrible thought), when I thought I had lost all hope...I remembered!!!! How could I have been so...forgetful ? (putting it nicely). What was I forgetting to do? What could possibly help? To many of you who are atheists or those who haven't put it to the test, this will just sound silly. Me and my husband (after much convincing), have started to read the scriptures...separately. Why separately? Because sometimes you are able to get answers to questions or inspirations that you wouldn't otherwise receive if both are reading together. Personal answers.

Since I have started, my life did not transform into a bed of roses, neither have my bills and/or all my problems disappeared, but somehow, they have become...workable. Hope is on the horizon and my energy level has greatly increased as well as, my patience, with my husband and my kids. Me and Shane have started to get along...GREAT, as a matter of fact. Right now I can honestly say that I love him more now than I have ever loved him before. There is always a rainbow after the storm.

Will these feelings last forever? They could. Hopefully next time around, I will either be stronger, because I continued to do those things I KNOW will help, such as praying, reading the scriptures, going to church/temple, having family prayer, etc... or I'll remember...again...

Have I ever told you I have a problem with constancy? :-P

And so life continues.